Big Joe Parks His Rig

(Conspiracy Nation, 05/23/08) -- “Big Joe” has parked his rig, the “Phantom 309.” The fuel costs have made it useless for him to work.

Tommy Faile had written a song about Big Joe circa late 1960s/early 1970s. It was recorded by Red Sovine and also by Tom Waits. The Tom Waits version is from his classic album, “Nighthawks At The Diner.”

A hitchhiker had been “down on his luck” and so decided to thumb a ride back to his old home town.

(A hitchhiker? Where are the hitchhikers now? They used to exist but no more.)

On the third night, heading back to his old home town, the hitchhiker gets “stranded” at a “cold lonely crossroads.”

(Stranded? Use your cell phone!)

Things looked discouraging. But then an old semi-trailer topped the hill. The trucker, Big Joe, stopped and picked up the hitchhiker.

(Big Joe is an independent trucker. If he was a company man they wouldn't allow him to pick up hitchhikers.)

The hitchhiker climbs into Big Joe's truck. At the wheel sat a big man, who must have weighed about 210.

(Greasy food, high cholesterol, overweight. Bad for the life insurance statistics.)

The driver introduces himself as “Big Joe” and says his “rig” (truck) is named “Phantom 309.” Why call it Phantom 309? Because other drivers “see nothing but the taillights of his truck.”

(In other words, Big Joe laughs at speed limits!)

The hitchhiker and Big Joe talk as they ride down the highway.

(No mention of whether seatbelts have been fastened.)

The hitchhiker smoked all of “Big Joe's” Viceroy cigarettes.

(Cigarettes! That plus greasy food, high cholesterol, and overweight!)

Big Joe pushed his rig with ten forward gears.

(Meaning he laughs at speed limits and tosses his Viceroy cigarette butts at “Smoky” as he roars by.)

The duo arrives at a truck stop. Big Joe tells the hitchhiker this is as far as he goes, he has to be making a turn up ahead. Generously, Big Joe tosses a dime (10 cents) to the hitchhiker and says, “Get yourself a hot cup of coffee on Big Joe.”

(Ten cents for a cup of coffee! Remember that?)

Big Joe and his rig drove off into the night, and “in nothing flat” they were out of sight.

(Speeding again, and probably tossing his cigarette butts at “Smoky”.)

The hitchhiker enters the truck stop and “orders a cup of mud” (coffee), exclaiming, “Big Joe's settin' this dude up.” At this, the restaurant becomes “deathly quiet” so much you “could have heard a pin drop.”

(An apparent faux pas by the hitchhiker. He had not “please wait to be seated” perhaps.)

The hitchhiker starts to apologize. “Did I say something wrong?” he inquires. The waiter assures him no, that “this happens every now and then.”

It turns out that the hitchhiker had been picked up by a ghost! Ten years ago Big Joe had been ignoring speed limits, tossing cigarette butts at “Smoky”, and digesting greasy food in his overweight carcass. Of course, you could see Big Joe had actuarial life expectancy difficulties. Lucky for Big Joe, he got a chance to die heroically by turning his wheel to avoid hitting a school bus.

The waiter tells the hitchhiker to hang onto that dime, to keep it as a souvenir of Big Joe and Phantom 309.

(Wise advice. Big Joe had died 10 years earlier. The dime was probably a silver dime.)

An update would be, the hitchhiker finally arrives at his old home town only to find it has been torn down and replaced by McMansions.

Beyond that, an update would be, Big Joe has had to park his rig, the Phantom 309, because fuel costs have made driving unprofitable. Also, Big Joe, generous as always, tosses a dime to a panhandler but the panhandler tosses it back at Big Joe, saying, “What the f*** good is this!?”

Conspiracy Nation

http://www.shout.net/~bigred/cn.html