Wondrous Wisdom Of Wise Hermes
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(Conspiracy Nation, 05/28/05)
-- Message to Arabs: "Jesus is coming, and boy is he pissed."
The big guy had about had it. He kept being re-envisioned then
re-erased. Do a Google image search on "Jesus" and an amazing variety
of depictions would appear -- as if Jesus were an ink blot and people
saw whatever they wanted to see!
Jesus was fed up with it all. "How would you like it if you
were claimed by all sorts of idiots?" snarled J.C. "I have been called
a hologram by the gnostics; a super salesman by the George Babbits; and
not really God by the Moslems. Sure, sure, just 'Leave it to Jesus,'
let Him do your dirty work for you," whined Son of God. "And here I'd
been so nice about it, just turning the other cheek and letting myself
get used by every Tom, Dick and Harry. Well no more Mr. Nice Guy!"
shouted Jesus, in a rage.
What caused the alarming transformation? Jesus blames his
wife, Mary Magdalen. "Mary kept nagging at me all the time," explained
J.C. "'Stop being such a doormat, Jesus! Get with it! Show some
gumption!' she'd keep yakking. That woman never shuts up!" complained
the Lamb of God.
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The last straw for the Sorrowful Savior came when he read a book by
Joseph Atwill, Caesar's
Messiah. "So now I am just Roman propaganda and I am really
Titus Flavius!? That's it! I quit this stupid job!" bellowed the
Beloved of God. "Find someone else to clean up your crap for you!"
The Newly Risen Lord accordingly sought fresh employment. Checking
around, he noticed that the U.S. Army seemed to be hiring. So he signed
up, got a rifle, and is on his way to Iraq.
Jesus likes George W. Bush, his commander-in-chief. "I like how
George and his people have marketed me into a new image, 'No-nonsense
Jesus that doesn't take crap from anybody,'" explained J.C. "My wife
Mary is pleased with how George and his people aren't averse to making
a buck from the new McJesus logo, as well."
Exclaimed Mary Magdalen: "I've got the fantastic plastic! Look out
department stores, here I come!"
But with Jesus gone off to his new career, there is a void. Who will
fill those sandals? Who will be all things to all people?
One applicant for the job is an out-of-work architect who calls
himself the Thrice Great Hermes. In his new book, The Greatest Show On Earth,
Hermes Trismegistus proclaims that the world's problems boil down to
bad architecture. Intrigued, Conspiracy
Nation caught up with Hermes near Duluth, Minnesota, where the
Thrice Great One was busy doing triangulation calculations.
Asked what would be his top priority were he to take over the
position vacated by Jesus, Hermes responded, "The architecture is all
wrong. It is not precisely triangulated. We will have to tear it down
and rebuild."
When Conspiracy Nation
pointed out that such tear-downs had already recently occurred, during
the 1990s, Hermes nodded sagely and observed, "They tore it down, but
then they forgot the cornerstone ceremonies."
So recently constructed McMansions must be torn down afresh. Hermes
foresees a housing market crash, followed by foreclosures and vacant
properties. At that point, he and his team would facilitate a new
construction boom, this time with proper cornerstone-laying ceremonies.
Conspiracy Nation inquired
of the sage, Whence comes evil? Is it caused by poor digestion? By the
demon offspring of the giants? By stifled creativity? "None of the
above," replied Hermes. "Evil originates in matter, which is endlessly
creative."
"The whole of matter's quality is to be creative. Just as there is a
fertile quality in the nature of matter, so also is the same matter
equally fertile in malice."
"Evil is so much in the world that it seems almost to be an organ of
the world," added Trismegistus. "Matter, fertile and creative,
endlessly develops tricks and snares. Most humans are semi-conscious
zombies, ruled by matter, especially their bodies. At work, your zombie
co-workers continually surprise you by the ingenuity with which they
knife you in the back. Is it not so?" asked Hermes.
So is it that the zombie co-workers are not evil in themselves, but
that their material bodies, fertile as is matter, keep hatching plots
to chop you off at the knees? "Exactly so," responded the Thrice Great
One.
Stay tuned to Conspiracy Nation
for further reports on this developing situation. If Jesus gets killed
in Iraq, will he rise from the dead and keep fighting? Will his wife,
Mary Magdalen, max out her credit cards and be hopelessly in debt? Will
Mary be forced to get a job, and will she call it "Women's liberation?"
Will Hermes Trismegistus land the job formerly held by Jesus, and
become all things to all people? Will share values in McJesus, Inc.,
now soaring, experience a market correction? You won't want to miss the
next issue of Conspiracy Nation.
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Conspiracy Nation
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