Strange Cooling Attacks Earth
(Conspiracy Nation, 04/14/08) – In defiance of Al Gore, a strange global cooling has attacked Earth.
Gore is Commander of the Global Warming Brigade, whose members include The Albright Group, the Pew Center, Georgia-Pacific, the Sierra Club, and numerous other platoons of commandos. Commander Gore has been leading the charge against the evil global warming. As if to mock their efforts, a strange cooling pattern has been affecting the weather.
Meteorologists are baffled. They are notorious for botching routine weather forecasts. Nonetheless, they had felt uncannily confident their longer-range forecasts, extending decades ahead, would somehow be completely accurate. However now, with a global cooling attack underway, these same meteorologists have begun wearing fake beards and sunglasses to disguise themselves from hecklers.
The latest “Earthweek: Diary of the Planet”, written by Steve Newman, contains several ominous items, each seeming to be a satiric barb directed at Commander Gore:
A “la Niña” in the Pacific “will cause global temperatures to be lower this year than in 2007...” There have been the “coldest winter temperatures in memory” in parts of China.
Unseasonably cold temperatures in late March has caused “tens of thousands” of birds to freeze and fall from the sky. Also implicated is extreme cold not permitting birds to feed properly.
A “freak hailstorm” killed 8 people, injured 66 others, and collapsed more than 10,000 houses in China.
Locally here in the Midwest of the U.S., it has been an especially cold winter. Average temperatures have been 5 degrees below normal.
These and other climate refrigerants have been like a pie in the face to Commander Gore. He and his Airmen are reconnoitering the situation. A plan is in the works to activate the Hadron Collider at the Cern laboratories. “Black Holes” will be generated, which will gobble up the cold and allow Gore thereby not to look ridiculous.
However a “blue meanie” is trying to thwart the effort. Someone named Walter Wagner fears the “Black Holes” born at Cern might propagate relentlessly. Even just one of these Cern “Black Holes” might consume everything, including the entire Earth, Wagner fears. A federal court is deciding whether the Cern “Black Holes” effort will be allowed to proceed. (“After Life”, http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/guy_dammann/2008/04/after_life.html and also “Could Welsh scientist end our universe?” http://icwales.icnetwork.co.uk/news/wales-news/2008/04/11/could-welsh-scientist-end-our-universe-91466-20749647/ for background.)
In the final analysis, it could be time for a turnaround. It may be necessary to increase, rather then decrease, carbon emissions in order to heat up the temperature. But Commander Gore is standing firm. He is like the pole star, inspiring his Global Warming Brigade, “ever forward.”
(The preceding has been a satire. Not all statements are accurate.)
Conspiracy Nation
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