(Melchizedek Communique, MC013111) Ask Uncle Melchizedek. Your questions answered by Uncle Melchizedek.

Dear Uncle Melchizedek,
   I am thinking about moving someplace safe. The problem is, there is no someplace safe! My friends tell me to stockpile groceries and weapons, but I live in a small apartment and I'm scared of guns. What little money I have is safe in the bank, except maybe even it is not safe! I suspect a fancy counterfeiter sneaks into the vault at night and shaves the edges of my coins. I just don't know, Uncle Mel, but sometimes I feel like "screw it" and just giving up. (signed) Worried in Illinois

Dear Worried in Illinois,
   Be of good cheer. The new Israel is to be established in Illinois. Rahm Emanuel is being shoe-horned in as the next king or mayor. The former Israel will be evacuated. The arrival of the Israelis in Illinois will really put your state on the map. I myself stand ready to bring forth bread and wine in your Illinois. (signed) Uncle Melchizedek

Dear Uncle Melchizedek,
   Yesterday, three Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door. I suspect though they were really extra-terrestrial aliens! We all know these aliens are shape-shifters. I was reading just before the three Jehovah's Witnesses knocked that Chinese scientists say that aliens live among humans. This includes Sun Shili, a retired foreign ministry official. And then came the knock at the door! I also suspect that one of the three Jehovah's Witnesses is my outer-space wife. So what am I supposed to tell my earth wife!? Will she understand? (signed) Torn Between Two Lovers

Dear Torn Between Two Lovers,
   You don't know the half of it! You really have seven wives who inhabit seven different dimensions. Next time a Jehovah's Witness knocks, demand to see their underwear. A real Jehovah's Witness will be wearing woolen underwear. If the underwear is not woolen, you will know they are really shape-shifting aliens. Tell your earth wife that you are experiencing extra demands. (signed) Uncle Melchizedek

Dear Uncle Melchizedek,
   There are no jobs! NAFTA was supposed to bring us jobs but it only brought us Mexicans! I am plenty educated, but they keep telling me education is the key. The key to what!? How much more educated am I supposed to be? I turn on the radio, and Rush Limbaugh calls me a lazy loafer. I am 58 years old with two college degrees and it doesn't amount to a hill of beans! No one will hire me because I am "too old." The neighbors all call me a crank, but how can you smile when the whole world is going down the toilet? (signed) Mr. Frowny Face

Dear Mr. Frowny Face,
   Do you have enough bread and wine? If not, I stand ready to bring forth bread and wine, as I did in the olden times. If you do at least have bread and wine, then cheer up: it could be worse. (signed) Uncle Melchizedek

(Got a problem? Send an e-mail to "Uncle Melchizedek" with subject heading "Dear Uncle Melchizedek" at bigred@shout.net)